Of course I can. Now the issue – who am I going to go out with and what do I think I’m gonna do?

It’s not that I don’t have friends. I do have friends. But unfortunately, I have not been good at keeping regular ‘play dates’ with my friends. And now, when I need to go somewhere, do something with someone other than my husband and two kids… nothing. no one. zilch. zero.

Thats ok, I got a bum knee from a roller derby injury last weekend, so I really should just rest anyway. But I don’t want to just rest. I need ME time. ok, I’ll blog.

As I sat down to search for inspiration for my bloggy-ness, the children locked downstairs with their father, I realize how impossible this task is. Mason SCREAMING for me downstairs…

MOMMY!! MOMMY!!

And now, Mike is bathing the children, pissed that I’m not helping… I guess he forgot our little deal…

But it was not enough for me. I toyed with visiting other churches to see if there was something I was missing, to give religion another shot. My husband was not on board. He likes the tradition of catholocism, he’s like an old man, stuck in his ways.

A little over a year ago, I began attending Kensington Community Church. It was so interesting and exciting, like a rock concert and a self help seminar every week. Nearly every week, I cried or at least fought tears during the service – I felt like they were speaking to me, speaking to the problems in my life, opening a door for me to fix my life! But at the beginning, it didn’t feel like church. It wasn’t about Jesus or believing in him. Until today.

During my search for a ‘new religion’ my comment would be “I don’t need a church to talk to God.” as if I talked to God. Well, I guess I did, but they were selfish want/help prayers. I thought that maybe I wasn’t very christian at all, because I didn’t attend, I didn’t pray, I didn’t read the bible, etc.

Today the teaching pastor really touched my heart and my relationship with Christ. He made me realize, I’ve have been a Christian all along, and I’ve been REAL about it. Not one of those ‘holier than thou’ types who pretends they are perfect. No, I make mistakes – everyone makes mistakes, but that doesn’t make you less of a person. I’ve struggled with the church because all along, I was read ’stories’ about Christ. Now, I am hearing the truth and the life of Christ. Now I can honestly say, I’m ready to believe, I’m ready to love, and I’m not ashamed of my love for Christ.

So often we worry about what others think, but for me – not anymore. I will put my life out there, I will share my love of Christ with others, and I will be a better Christian starting today.

Jianna @ Childrens Hospital, August 2007

Just this past week we started back to school shopping as she’s starting Kindergarten in the fall.  Not your old school, half day, am or pm kindergarten, oh no.  She’s going full day baby! She’ll have art class and music class, gym, and will even get to eat lunch at school this year!

I’m so proud of her. I am sad to see her leave her toddler years, but excited to see what she’ll become.

I’m not perfect.  Not in the least.  But I’m real. I may have my insecurities, but at the same time, I know who I am.  If you don’t want my opinion, then keep your bitching to yourself.  I’m not going to keep helping you and giving you advice if you’re going to second guess me every second.  Whats the point? You’re wasting my time and stressing me out because you can’t think for yourself.  This is who I am.  If you don’t like it, then that’s your problem.

whew.  i feel much better, thanks internet.

Now, here is my only issue with Facebook. And it’s not really with facebook, it’s more with how I let the information I see on there affect me.

I became reaquainted with a girl on facebook that I went to college with for one year. We got a long very well that year, but she didn’t come back to school and we sort of lost touch. During that year, however, she was not one to focus much on her education, and because of that, I didn’t expect her to accomplish too much. I know that sounds harsh, but that’s how I felt. She was a great person with very little motivation to do anything besides party, drink, etc. We got to talking (messaging really) and I found out that this girl, now a married woman, has gotten her bachelors, her masters, and is pursuing her PhD in some child related psychology or education degree. She’s lived on both sides of the country and spent some time ‘finding herself’. Wow. Did I ever feel like I loser finding that out. Here I am, with only a bachelors. 3 months after I got married, I got pregnant and haven’t seen the world or done much of anything.

Does anyone else do that? get jealous of someone you hardly know based on facts you see in print without even finding out if they are truely happy? I find myself comparing our career choices, even becoming jealous of the pictures they have posted on their pages becuase they look like they have more fun than I do, or their friends look more fun than mine, or they know how to have a good time. How completely SAD is that?

It doesn’t stop at facebook either. I have blogs that I read frequently and I find myself envious of the people that write them. Envious for their experiences, of their writing ability, of their following, of their relationships. I know that jealousy is a normal thing to a certain extent. And it’s not like I am jealous in the “what a bitch” kind of way, it’s more like I envy them but am glad they have become successful. I wish I knew how to take these feelings and turn them into a motivating factor for becoming a better person. I guess that’s what I need to strive for every day.