I want to give up, I want to end it right now. I want to scream, to punch a hole in the wall, in the door. I need the world around me put on mute or else I may fall even harder. Happiness, sadness, nothing makes the pain go away. I need to close my eyes and sleep.
I woke up in the middle of the night with a dream fresh in my mind. I went to get a tattoo. The tattoo I ended up with was weird… a pyramid of dice in all different, bright colors. A lightly etched MIME. The twin towers, complete with black smoke and two airplanes. The shop manager was in a hospital bed, bedrails up, and the only way out was to climb on top of the bed and over. Did I mention the tattoo covered about 50% of my arm from the elbow down?
So – what do you think that means?
I am sort of freaking, as I have an appointment to get a tattoo today while I’m here in Utah. Is this God telling me that I don’t have to ink my body, or is this just normal fear that maybe something will not be to my liking if I get inked while I’m here.
Does anyone have a dream book? LOL
I’ve been happy. I was happy with things I was doing, ways I was getting involved. There was Daisies, my womens small group (SWOG), and finally my recent involvement in the Susan G. Komen 3-day for the walk. I cannot put in words how excited I am about this walk. If I could wear a 3-day shirt everyday, with pink sox and accessories, pins, bandanas… I would. I got the shoes, I got the camel-bag. I ordered handmade bracelets to sell for a fundraiser. Heck, after only two months, I’m $800 away from reaching my minimum contribution!
I realized that these kind of things were the things that were going to make me happy. Giving back to the community! Finding my relationship with God! Helping raise money to find a cure for breast cancer so that I wouldn’t have to lose my Mom to cancer like I lost my Dad in January…
That is it though… that was the spark under my ass that got me moving in triple time. Watching my dad those last few months. He wasn’t the guy we knew, he was miserable, he was tired, he was old. Yes, he was old, he had reached his 70th birthday last year, but the cancer AGED him. When he was healthy, you would have never guessed how old he was!
I had no idea, up until the day I sat in the funeral home with my mother and my sister Dee, how involved my Dad was in EVERYTHING. He had a long list of organizations that he was involved in. Masons, Shriners, Knights of Columbus. He served in the Navy. If he was a member of something, he was probably more than a member, maybe president. Like his condo association, or the golf club.
I don’t know, I think that part of me absorbed this information and began to have the desire to be active like him. At the same time, this is/was a shock to me and i’ve probably spread myself too thin.
Over the weekend I had an unpleasant conversation with Mike where he made me see something I wasn’t seeing. He made me see that I wasn’t as happy as I had thought. I tried to blow it off initially, that he was wrong, that maybe I was just stressed because of the knee injury I had experienced the week prior, the one that was keeping me from my training, that was making it difficult for me to do the things I needed to do. It became evident last night that maybe he was right.
The dog barking, the daughter whining, the son crying for me. Mike complaining about the meal I had prepared. Still, the pain in my knee, the doctors appointments. I came to a point where I could not take it anymore! The mere sound of any of the above made me want to scream/vomit/run!
I got in my car to go to my SWOG meeting, but I wasn’t in any frame of mind to listen to anyone or be a part of anything. I couldn’t even listen to the radio. I drove, but realized, I didn’t want to be driving, I couldn’t drive. Where would I go? I couldn’t go home, that was the place that set me off to begin with. Friends? Those were scarce in the area. Family? again, not the best solution for me. I cried as I drove, stressed to a point I don’t ever remember being at. I needed to get off the road before I jerked the wheel, hitting a tree or worse, another car. I’m not suicidal, but I needed my brain to turn off.
I finally made it home and decided to sit in my car (in silence) until I could calm down enough to go inside. Or, as it turned out, until Mike would pull me from the car and order me into our room. With the fan turned on, bundled up from the cold outside, I layed down to cry and to sleep.
Yesterday, Mike told me he was going to be playing cards Saturday, so I was all like, “ok, but can I go out tomorrow then?” imagine me like a little puppy, tail wagging, excited to go out(side). “can I? can I? huh? huh? huh?”
Of course I can. Now the issue – who am I going to go out with and what do I think I’m gonna do?
It’s not that I don’t have friends. I do have friends. But unfortunately, I have not been good at keeping regular ‘play dates’ with my friends. And now, when I need to go somewhere, do something with someone other than my husband and two kids… nothing. no one. zilch. zero.
Thats ok, I got a bum knee from a roller derby injury last weekend, so I really should just rest anyway. But I don’t want to just rest. I need ME time. ok, I’ll blog.
As I sat down to search for inspiration for my bloggy-ness, the children locked downstairs with their father, I realize how impossible this task is. Mason SCREAMING for me downstairs…
MOMMY!! MOMMY!!
And now, Mike is bathing the children, pissed that I’m not helping… I guess he forgot our little deal…
Eww. ..ewwww. that about sums up the nastiness I just witnessed (okay, and also took part in.) Mike found three really huge blackheads on the crease between his nose and cheek and decided to perform surgery on himself. When he didn’t have any luck, he called me in for assistance. It was terribly disgusting, I had to leave the room after Mike switched from tweezers to needle nose pliers. Now, instead of the blackheads, he’s bleeding. Ewwwwwwwwww
I may be. If this whole ‘blogging from the phone’s works out. I may be back and better than ever!
I’ve struggled for years with my faith. As a child, being brought up Catholic, I didn’t get much from the church. I was actively involved in my youth group, but that was just for the social aspects. I got married in the Catholic church, had both my children baptized, but for who? If someone asked me my religion, I’d respond with catholic, but only because that was all I knew.
But it was not enough for me. I toyed with visiting other churches to see if there was something I was missing, to give religion another shot. My husband was not on board. He likes the tradition of catholocism, he’s like an old man, stuck in his ways.
A little over a year ago, I began attending Kensington Community Church. It was so interesting and exciting, like a rock concert and a self help seminar every week. Nearly every week, I cried or at least fought tears during the service – I felt like they were speaking to me, speaking to the problems in my life, opening a door for me to fix my life! But at the beginning, it didn’t feel like church. It wasn’t about Jesus or believing in him. Until today.
During my search for a ‘new religion’ my comment would be “I don’t need a church to talk to God.” as if I talked to God. Well, I guess I did, but they were selfish want/help prayers. I thought that maybe I wasn’t very christian at all, because I didn’t attend, I didn’t pray, I didn’t read the bible, etc.
Today the teaching pastor really touched my heart and my relationship with Christ. He made me realize, I’ve have been a Christian all along, and I’ve been REAL about it. Not one of those ‘holier than thou’ types who pretends they are perfect. No, I make mistakes – everyone makes mistakes, but that doesn’t make you less of a person. I’ve struggled with the church because all along, I was read ‘stories’ about Christ. Now, I am hearing the truth and the life of Christ. Now I can honestly say, I’m ready to believe, I’m ready to love, and I’m not ashamed of my love for Christ.
So often we worry about what others think, but for me – not anymore. I will put my life out there, I will share my love of Christ with others, and I will be a better Christian starting today.
Here’s a pic of my latest ‘work’ that I did for my brother-in-law and his fiance…
Today my baby, my first born, my princess, turned 5 years old. 5 Years! Thats crazyiness! It seems like we brought her home just yesterday. Hell, it seems like just yesterday when she was sick at Children’s hospital, with fears of cancer in our midst.
Jianna @ Childrens Hospital, August 2007
Just this past week we started back to school shopping as she’s starting Kindergarten in the fall. Not your old school, half day, am or pm kindergarten, oh no. She’s going full day baby! She’ll have art class and music class, gym, and will even get to eat lunch at school this year!
I’m so proud of her. I am sad to see her leave her toddler years, but excited to see what she’ll become.
