nucchi

Today my baby, my first born, my princess, turned 5 years old.  5 Years! Thats crazyiness! It seems like we brought her home just yesterday. Hell, it seems like just yesterday when she was sick at Children’s hospital, with fears of cancer in our midst.

Jianna @ Childrens Hospital, August 2007

Just this past week we started back to school shopping as she’s starting Kindergarten in the fall.  Not your old school, half day, am or pm kindergarten, oh no.  She’s going full day baby! She’ll have art class and music class, gym, and will even get to eat lunch at school this year!

I’m so proud of her. I am sad to see her leave her toddler years, but excited to see what she’ll become.

J-Bo's first day of preschool

man, it’s been a while since I’ve posted.  Things have been sort of busy.  J-bo started preschool (and loves it).  I was in Boston last week for work.  I’ve got tons of doctors appointments (cubital tunnal, mammogram, sonohysterogram).  And I’ve been reading the Harry Potter series (that’s probably my biggest excuse.) 

Harry Potter has been good. I wish I had more time to ready these days.  Hubby has gotten a little frustrated with my reading habit, so I’ve been trying to be a good girl and spend more time with the family.  I’ll be travelling again next week – off to Salt Lake for an audit.  I’m sure I’ll get a LOT of reading done then, plus HEROES starts back up so I’m excited to watch that in peace in my hotel on Monday – yippee!

Sorry, boring post, but i’ll try to be more interesting next time around

a year ago today, in the midst of trying to find out what is wrong with j-bo, the doctors have come to a scary diagnosis.  While they still needed to do a test to confirm, could she possibly have…

leukemia?

the word, one word, turned our world upside down.  luckily j-bo was out of the room, in the play room with grandma and grandpa. i bawled for i don’t know how long.  my precious daughter, my perfect daughter, how could this be? how could this happen to my family?

Once the doctors had gone, after hubby and I tried to comfort each other, wiping each others tears… as soon as she came in the room, I held her.  I couldn’t let go. 

How could a child who had NEVER been sick (sure, the occasional cold- she had roseola once, but nothing more!) be admitted to a hospital with possibly LEUKEMIA? how could god put this on us with no warning?

That was the first night I went home. hubby stayed and my sister picked me up from the hospital. she dropped me off at home so I could take a long shower, pack even more things so I could return to the hospital for the evening.  I made some calls, told my family of this ‘possible’ diagnosis.  my dad picked me up a short while later and took me back to the hospital (no one was willing to let me drive in my current state.)

hubby and I spend the night together next to our beautifully perfect daughter.  we held each other as we both thought silently about our daughter and what was to become of our family.

She couldn’t walk.  Her eye(s) were nearly swollen shut.  She was not herself.

her third birthday - no, she's not stoned...

J-bo later in the day

did I mention I was 8.5 months pregnant at the time?

The day before her admission to Children’s hospital, J-bo was not herself.  she would not walk, and claimed that any weight put on her left leg hurt.  Her eye was swollen again, and she was crying a lot.  When we woke up (a year ago today) I called her pediatrician and we got in asap.  It seems like we were there forever, but eventually they decided that Children’s Hospital was the way to go.  At this point, we had been to the doctors maybe 8 times in the previous month, presenting with SO MANY differnet symptoms and no one had a clue.  The doctor was afraid that we were missing something, that maybe she had something more serious.

 

For the next several days, J-bo would undergo x-rays, have her blood drawn far too often, see specialist after specialist.  She saw ortho, she saw infectious disease. She saw hematology and oncology…

I would stay with her the whole time, even in my largeness, sleeping on the window seat next to my daughter.  My husband would lose his job over this, even if only for a month or two…(stupid cock sucker of a boss…)

Our world would turn upside down.  Our fate unknown…

 

 

I drove into work this morning and I found myself crying.  I don’t know why, I don’t know what triggered the tears. 

Almost a year ago, my little monkey was born.  He was perfect in every way, and to this day his is the best baby.  He’ll brighten your day with his smiles and it’s hard to ever be upset in his presence – looking at him and watching him in all his bliss wipes all those bad feelings away.

How could these kids not make you smile?

But he can’t be up with me at all hours of the day, so there are times when I am without that drug to keep me from feeling down.  I can’t look at myself in the mirror to see that baby fat that refuses to go away;  I can’t watch any tv because I’m sure to find a show or commercial to put me in tears. 

When I was probably 5 months pregnant, I KNEW something was wrong with me.  Yes, pregnancy can be rough, it can be emotional… and with a 3 year old at home who’s coming into her own… and the struggles of a marriage… so it’s not like it was a surprise to me that I was so unhappy.  I seeked the advice of my doctor and got prescribed some anti-depressants.  Anti-partum depression is what he called it. 

I didn’t stay on them longer than a month – I was one of those pregnant women who hating taking any kind of drugs, even tylenol, while the baby was inside of me.  It said right on the material that came with the drugs that any use of these could cause dependency for the newborn – yeah, I didn’t want that…

So Monkey came, and things didn’t get a whole lot better, so I decided to go back on the anti-depressants.  I took them for a while, but then I’d forget or skip a few doses.  Hubby would notice and make comments – I’d have major highs and major lows.  I’d start crying for no apparent reason.  Even I had no idea why I was crying.  I’d lay in my room, huddled in a ball while I cried for hours, isolating myself from my family.

So now, Monkey will turn one in a few weeks and I still struggle with these emotions.  When will I get better?  How will I know?