nucchi

Monkey turned 1 on saturday.  We had a big bash for him (or maybe it was more for us – tee hee).  It was hot as hell outside, we had a bouncy castle for the kids and a keg for the adults

Highlights – Monkey did great with the cake

Monkey enjoying his cake

Auntie RoRo drank humingbird juice… yuck…

We had planned on going to church today, all of us – the kids and hubby, but Monkey woke up early and was running a fever.  He’s got a runny nose and is totally cranky. it’s near impossible to console him. 

So I decided to go by myself, left the kids home with the hubby.

Of course I knew others that would be there, so it’s not like I was totally alone, but still, the whole fact that I am going to church again is crazy to me… I never thought it would happen.

But it is, and I am planning on going every weekend that I possibly can.  It’s not so much ‘church’ for me, but an hour of ‘self-help’ type commentary.  This was only my second week going, but both times I fought back tears as the comments really hit home.  It was as if the pastor (is that what you call him?  I guess I’m so used to the priests of the catholic church) was speaking DIRECTLY to me and no one else.  But I guess that’s what is good for everyone.  No matter what they portray on the outside, everyone has problems, everyone can relate.  Some people might be falling apart at the seems because of a failed marriage… others may be battling cancer or have loved ones battling cancer.  We all need something to make us get out of bed everymorning, to help us fight the fight.  I guess maybe I’m finally ready to let God back into my life.

I drove into work this morning and I found myself crying.  I don’t know why, I don’t know what triggered the tears. 

Almost a year ago, my little monkey was born.  He was perfect in every way, and to this day his is the best baby.  He’ll brighten your day with his smiles and it’s hard to ever be upset in his presence – looking at him and watching him in all his bliss wipes all those bad feelings away.

How could these kids not make you smile?

But he can’t be up with me at all hours of the day, so there are times when I am without that drug to keep me from feeling down.  I can’t look at myself in the mirror to see that baby fat that refuses to go away;  I can’t watch any tv because I’m sure to find a show or commercial to put me in tears. 

When I was probably 5 months pregnant, I KNEW something was wrong with me.  Yes, pregnancy can be rough, it can be emotional… and with a 3 year old at home who’s coming into her own… and the struggles of a marriage… so it’s not like it was a surprise to me that I was so unhappy.  I seeked the advice of my doctor and got prescribed some anti-depressants.  Anti-partum depression is what he called it. 

I didn’t stay on them longer than a month – I was one of those pregnant women who hating taking any kind of drugs, even tylenol, while the baby was inside of me.  It said right on the material that came with the drugs that any use of these could cause dependency for the newborn – yeah, I didn’t want that…

So Monkey came, and things didn’t get a whole lot better, so I decided to go back on the anti-depressants.  I took them for a while, but then I’d forget or skip a few doses.  Hubby would notice and make comments – I’d have major highs and major lows.  I’d start crying for no apparent reason.  Even I had no idea why I was crying.  I’d lay in my room, huddled in a ball while I cried for hours, isolating myself from my family.

So now, Monkey will turn one in a few weeks and I still struggle with these emotions.  When will I get better?  How will I know?

M, who is now 11 months old, knows how to crawl up the stairs.  he’s not walking, but seriously, this sucks…